Inspiration. New Safe Place. New People.

Inspiration finds me in unexpected places. Last night I was just going with Jana to Sugar Brown's, to hear some live music, soak in some atmosphere. Get out of the heat. All that jazz.

Eric from Philly and Alia were playing, part of their Half For Humanity Tour. Those two did an AMAZING Job. Alia's got lungs like no other, a voice that just roars into your heart, basically is the only way I can think to describe it. And Eric's lyrics were amazing little stories striking numerous chords with several memories of mine. Like he'd been hanging out in my head and put certain experiences into song. Love, love LOVE THEM.

I put a link up there, should totally check them out. =D (Cause I went through SO much effort to put in that hyperlink.)

So I'm feeling totally inspired to paint. There were paintings on the walls in the coffee shot. A phoenix sized abstract one that had me totally intrigued for like... 20 minutes at least. Of just looking at it trying to figure it out.

Got to sit and chat with Eric for a bit afterwards. Mentioned massage therapy he mentioned a possibly barter, which I totally would've gone for if I didn't have to work today. (Boo, work. Boo. (Jobs are nice to have actually. Funding. Whoo!)) Trying to keep it positive for another month. =) But maybe I convinced them to swing by Silver City sometime after I'm there. LoL. Party in Silver!

Ok. Sleep. I need. A lot of. Work was rather exhausting today. LoL. I want to go back to the coffee shop and let the creative juices flow and merge into new paintings, finishing current ones needing finishing. And I'm starting to repeat words...

Pete and repeat were on a boat. Pete fell off. Who was left?

Sleep.

I'm out.

A Prophetic One, She Is.

(Talking like Yoda, I love.)

According to my Animal Spirit Guides handbook, Tiger spirits have a tendency to be prophetic, a gift that becomes more prominent as we age. I'm constantly having dreams I don't pay any particular attention to, where days/weeks/months/years later have me in one of those strange deja vu moments where I'm thinking. Funny. Totally saw that one before.

9/11. Had a dream a few months before that I was at my grandma's house watching planes run into these big buildings outside her window. The day it actually happened, I remember hearing a classmate tell me as I was leaving school "They hit the World Trade towers in New York!!" Had no idea what was going on, until I got to my Grandma's and watched on the News what happened. Planes hitting big buildings. Wasn't exactly through her window, but I suppose a TV could be metaphored as a TV unto the world or something.

Anyways. Present day. Well. Yesterday.

Woke up, And went to the bathroom in the master bedroom, since the community one is pretty much out of commission for the time being. There's a little book on the toilet called "Don't ya Just Hate That" A book filled with those obnoxious little things that happen throughout life.

Tempting. Oh so tempting. I picked up the book. Flipped to a random page.

Lesson Number 1. Don't read books that have a negative title. Bad, bad juju involved.

The page I flipped to read:

"78. People who look at themselves in the mirror the day they have a car wreck, and they have NO idea what's coming. "

Lesson Number 2. After finishing your business, don't close the book, go to the mirror look at yourself, and cock your head sideways with a Hmm... expression.

Went to the spa, gave a massage, went to Dion's for lunch. Ran into David which totally made my day. He's got great energy and I've been needing a dose of him lately. He invited me to go eat lunch at the bike shop, so I agreed. No spots in the parking lot so I was going to make another pass through. An escalade was parked under a tree on the street, blocking my view a bit but I could see down the road past it. And I saw the little red car coming, I should've had time to make it, he was only supposed to go 35. For a split second, I got a flash of what was about to happen. Right as i stuck my nose out, there his car was to kiss it.

Got a flashback to that morning. The book. The look in the mirror. Possibly wondering if i brought this upon myself, or if it was another divine message proving my gift. A rather annoying way of doing it, if it was the later.

Lesson Number 3. Prophecies can happen when you're not expecting them.

Didn't do too much damage to Bessie. She's still drivable, just a little dinged up on the corner. Nobody was hurt. But the guy who hit me didn't have insurance. Hopefully the citation he got for driving without insurance... makes him rethink not having insurance. And I made him late to work, but I think he was already late which is why he was going faster than 35. *shrug*

Lesson Number 4. That prophetic intuition thing is there. And it's good.

Just a little inconvenient at times.

Re-Energizing

I LOVE lightning storms.

Something about the awesome display of Mother Earth's power is not only awe-inspiring, but it also does good for my spirit. Which I could totally go outside and sit in, but mosquitoes are out.

But yeah, sleep. New post in the morning.

Colors of the Wind

I so love this song from Disney's Pocahontas. It's got a lot of good tree-hugger truths that I love. A lot of being one with Mother Nature. Respecting her creation. How we're all connected.

It's yummy. And if you don't remember the words. I saved you a trip to Google. =)

You think you own whatever land you land on
The Earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sunsweet berries of the Earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once, never wonder what they're worth

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle, in a hoop that never ends.

How high will the sycamore grow?
If you cut it down, then you'll never know
And you'll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon

For whether we are white or copper skinned
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountains
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind

You can own the Earth and still
All you'll own is Earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind.

I get chills hearing this song. I may have inherited it from my mother. It's her tingly sense for the revelation of some great truth. I get chills, and my Tigress smiles.

Some food for thought. Chew on it. Taste it. Airy-ate your mouth so you get the full sensation of the flavor. And then LOVE it. =)

=D

I found my keys!!! =D

They were..... *drumroll* between my sheets. o_o

Aaaaaaand, It's my last wednesday of SPC EVER!

WAHOO!!! =D

Have a good day, y'all. =)

I Didn't Get Dumped, and Nobody Died...

Today was a damn good day.

---

Started off the day with a two mile run. That was great. Wind through my hair.

Had a massage today too. I knew the person, so i wasn't gonna kill myself by wearing scrubs or yoga pants - it was 93 degrees outside.

So I wore the Grey Nike shirt and my knee length basketball shorts that I've worn for every massage where I've known the person I was giving a massage too. They know I'm real chill. They know me. They're not gonna judge my massage by what I'm wearing. I'm under protocol, too. Cause I've asked our Internship coordinator and the instructor I hold in the highest regards if my athletic shorts were appropriate. She said so long as they are knee length, I'm golden.

On my drive over to the spa, I realize that the AC in the car is refusing to work. (It continued to not work throughout the day.) Also have managed to lose my keys. No idea where they are. Fortunately, I have spares. (If anyone sees or hears anything, give my phone a ring. )

The receptionist confronts me in the back room about my wardrobe when I get to the spa. You know you're not supposed to wear shorts, right? I informed her that I had asked the internship coordinator before if it was okay, and that she had said it just had to be knee length. I was perfectly within the boundaries of protocol. Oh.. ok. I'll go read protocol again, it's been a while since I've looked it over, and I'll ask Lori about it.

At this point I already know where this is heading. A revision to protocol. I was going to be one of those bad kids they made an example of. Except I had done nothing wrong.

Sure enough, post massage: Well, I talked to Lori, and she's going to make a revision to protocol. What they meant by knee length was actually capris that come past the knee. I can do that. And I do dress up more for the people that I don't know. What she said next, really got under my skin though.

And a nicer t-shirt. Something that doesn't have a logo on the front, not quite so athletic looking. I'm an athletic person. I picked this shirt specifically for the reason that it keeps the sweat off of me so I'm not totally DYING during my massages. And I've only worn it to EVERY massage I've done.

But I had to agree, and nod my head politely like a good girl. Because the receptionists are the ones who call us for massages. And seeing how I've gotta get like 30 more in. Sooner, rather than later. I've gotta suck up. Keep on their good list.

I loathe being a suck up.

Loathe. That word just drips with negative energy. Which is what my heart is feeling right now. I really need to fix that before I go to sleep. A cup of tea. A good cry. Yep.

Blaming it on the moon tonight. I don't even know if it's full.

But the moon did it.

I didn't get dumped. Nobody died.

Today was a damn good day.

Shower Epiph Number 2, Part 2: Confessions.

For some reason, I got a flashback to the time I think my freshman year during LTC where I was cast as a sheep in our skit, meanwhile the youngest kids (4th graders) at the time got the lead roles. Lots of lines to memorize. Who had never even acted before really. They got lines where I ran around on all fours in a bathrobe and said 'Baaaaaaa.'

I was furious. I had gotten a lead in two of the school plays in Junior high. And I had been subjected to a lowly sheep-girl for a tiny church skit. Trumped by 4th graders. I was born to be the star of the show. So I mentioned my concerns to the "directors" about it, and was delivered the only theatre speech known to shut jealous divas up. "There are no small parts, only small actors." That's what they told me. They told me to be a leader through my tiny role, an example to the younger actors to practice hard and learn lines. BAAAAAAAA.

I have a confession. I don't know if it's from being here in Lubbock, or not. But I have not been true to myself.

Highschool. I was at the top of my game. First chair flute. Colorguard captain, Captain of the volleyball team, District MVP. I had a college to go play for. Everything in perfect order. Fearless. Fierce. Ready to take on the world.

Then reality set in. The college I wanted to play for was bloody expensive. Plus, it didn't have much in the way of animal sciences. Add in the fact it was putting me in the same town as a weakness... Just not a smart choice. I needed a means to pay through college, and a different town.

Enter in massage school in Lubbock. The school I was originally intending to go to closed before classes started, which meant a switch to a different school and coming up with a different game plan. Enter working 30 hours a week plus college, plus massage school. Busy, busy. No volleyball, no theater props to design, no one to perform for.

My painting progress had slowed. Where I had finished two pieces in the month I was at Ceta Canyon, I had spent 4 months on 1 piece here. Late November until Mid march.

Also, I live with people who have expressed their desire for me to change. Not only my frequency of doing the dishes, but more recently my personality.

Society has screwed me over. I don't think about how potentially sexual something could be taken before I say it. Massage terminology can instantly be turned into a 'She-Said-That' joke. I also find nothing sexual in asking a male to borrow a pair of shorts for a volleyball match to spare my Sunday clothes. It's not flirting. I'm not wanting to bang him. I just needed to borrow a pair of shorts.

And my reaction: I just take it. I don't retaliate. I just take it. If they complain about the dishes I'll wash them when I know damn good and well none of my dishes are in the sink. And I just hang in room more when company is over to avoid "flirting" with their friends. I'm allowing myself to be tolerated, it seems.

Guys coming through my line in Academy that say the stupidest pick up line will make my knees a tidge weak. Which has me thinking what the hell? Where is the strong, fearless, eater of mens hearts from a year ago? What's happening?

I am not being true to myself.

Tigress sightings have been few, save for a few big moments. The time I got mobbed by AIMers who questioned my faith. Western New Mexico University being the biggest. She was there to guide me through that. Now the decision to go there has been made, she's been on a vacation. And my biggest guess is because I haven't been myself. Since she's part of me and since I've not been me, she's not been around much.

I need the fight of that 8th grader who refused to be a sheep.

I have one month left here. In this house, with people who want to control what they do not understand. I conform no longer. I call on the strength of my Tigress. The Divine. The Universe.

Smooth sailing until I am out of this asylum. A speedy finish with my massage internships. To sing along with every song on the radio. To do no-one's dishes but my own, unless I feel nice. And Germany, in July.

I felt the need to get in touch with my Tigress again. I've been told I have a tiger-like face. Or a Na'avi face. So. My war paint. A declaration and celebration of myself, and not giving a damn what others think.

A couple roars in the shower. And I feel a lot better about myself.

Shower Epiphany Numero Dos. Part 1.

I went to church this morning. I've got my fill of 'non-organized' organized religion for the next ten years. Yep.

I feel.. like they kinda grasp the concept. I made an awesome connection to prayer today. Too often, even as Christians, prayer is the last resort. A guy in class told the story of how they were barely making rent, because he just lost his job and how rent was do and as a last resort they prayed and God provided them with him selling 3 insurance policies, when he only prayed for one to be sold. He won some award, and got an extra $200, then sold a few more policies, and won another award and and extra $500.

It made me wonder. Had it been laying in wait this whole time waiting for him to just come and claim it? Is prayer, actually just a fancy word for speaking into existence what it is we desire from the universe?

I remember all those bible classes with a sort of How-to-pray. The 'thank-ask--but only if it's what the heavenly father has in store for our lives--thank again' is the one that's sticking out in my mind. If we're asking for something, we have to ask for it very carefully, so that it doesn't really sound like you're being a whiny little human. Because, The Big Man doesn't like whiny little humans. But if you stroke his ego a little bit - scratch that. ALOT of ego stroking - then, and ONLY then will he grace us. Maybe. Hopefully. If he can fit it into his busy schedule.

I see now how truly bizarre this way of thinking is really screwed up. (Truthfully, bullshit was the word that came to mind.)

Prayer seems like so much more than a half-hearted, doubtful, question to the Lord. Cause it IS.

It's a drawing of energy from the Universe. Proclaiming what you need in your life. Telling it to show up. Exercising your power to create whatever your heart desires. Letting the world know your dreams and attracting energy and focusing attentions for them.

Yep.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

I had another epiphany in the shower too.

More on that in a little bit.

Second shower epiphany to follow.